My husband and I felt so relieved when we learned that Deme’s (Maggie) case had finally been filed in court in Ethiopia on July 20. After over a year of waiting, and my feeling that I was on the edge of deep depression and maybe having to give her up, a breath of hope blew in. Even better, a week or so ago, we were given a court date of October 8! So, we will fly to Ethiopia (I can’t believe I am actually writing this!) October 4 and come home October 10. I will see my daughter in less than two months! I will feel the weight of her body, smell her, hear her sounds, touch her lovely face . . . . Thank you, Lord, for not taking her away from us after all.
We have felt like a burden has been lifted; I got out my Ethiopia books again; I went back to Snapfish to order more pictures in hopes of finishing her scrapbook (which I had abandoned some time ago). We had a friend and her Ethiopian daughters over for dinner last night, and it was so nice to talk of Ethiopia and adoption with hope and smiles. We hope to have Maggie home by late November or early December.
Meanwhile, a post to our adoption yahoo group yesterday stirred thoughts in my head that have been percolating for some time. A man who wrote a book about his adoptions from China (Scott Simon) and was interviewed about it said he didn’t feel guilty about depriving his daughters of their culture. Several people weighed in on this, some saying they DO feel guilty that their children won’t grow up in their native culture. Several thoughtful responses followed, all by people who passionately love their children, have faced the challenges of international adoption (not for the faint of heart!), and want the best life for their families.
I have thought a lot about my daughters’ cultures, and will do my best to not let them forget where they are from, and to present opportunities for them to embrace their cultures as much as they want to. But I have to agree with Scott Simon: I don’t feel guilty about “depriving” my daughters of their cultures. Granted, I didn’t hear his interview, and I haven’t read his book, but I have thought about this subject a lot. What is “culture,” anyway? It is language, customs, food, religion, history — all that — but it occurs in the fallen world in which we live, so there are terrible parts of it, too, parts that we’d rather not even talk about.
I will not apologize for taking Hannah out of her Chinese culture. China is amazing, complex and beautiful. Their culture has lasted thousands of years. But, even though she would have been surrounded by Chinese culture, she would not necessarily have had much of a life. Yes, she would have spoken Chinese and been exposed to Chinese history, music, etc. But here is more likely what her life would have been: She would have grown up in the orphanage in Jiangxi Province, with meager to adequate nutrition (she had an iron deficiency when we got her) and a substandard education. She would most likely have found a job making cheap plastic crap for Wal-Mart (or some similar unskilled labor), working in an unsafe factory in a polluted city (the most polluted cities in the world are in China; we witnessed some of that). When she married, she would have been told by the government that she could have only one child. She would live in a tiny apartment where the water had to be boiled to drink. The government would restrict her ability to express herself and keep her from religious beliefs of any kind, if possible. This amazing, beautiful culture is also the one that so devalues its girls that untold thousands of them are aborted, killed, or abandoned, as she was. So, yes, she would have had a life full of Chinese culture, but would that have been a full life? Maybe. Maybe not.
And Maggie? There are orphans in Ethiopia not because of government policy, but due to poverty and disease. Suppose she had not been taken to the orphanage by her birth mother. She would have grown up very poor, with a single mother, or perhaps she would not have survived at all. She would likely have intestinal parasites, as most people in Ethiopia live with them. If she grew up, she could be subject to early marriage, or rape, both of which have caused much physical and emotional harm to women in Ethiopia. Then, if she survived those possibilities, she would perhaps have small children to feed herself, all with probably no education. Yes, she would be part of Ethiopian culture, a culture which I am appreciating more and more. But, again, what kind of life would she have had?
In a perfect world, every child has a mother and father, and there are no infertile couples. There is no adoption because there is no need. Everyone grows up in their own culture, happy and healthy.
We do not live in a perfect world. In this broken world, adoption, while it involves loss, is a beautiful way to create families.
Children adopted from other cultures do not step into a cultural vacuum when they come into the United States. Not only do they have ample opportunities to experience their native-born cultures (in most places, unlike many other countries), we do have a culture in America. Yes, it is an amalgamation of many cultures, but how wonderful is that? It’s okay to be Swedish, Welsh, Italian, Oromo, Hmong, Somali, Han Chinese, or to be none of those, yet embrace various aspects of those cultures. American culture includes the expansiveness of a large country, and the ability to travel all over and experience regional differences (ever had Texas barbecue? Or birch beer in New Jersey?). It has the best Constitution the world has ever seen (only 27 small changes in over 200 years? Unmatched by any nation on earth), with freedoms of religion, expression, petition, and assembly that many people in the world don’t even dare dream of. We have culture: food (hamburgers, fries, and a chocolate shake!), music (jazz!), dance (hip hop! tap!), clothing (blue jeans!), and language (have you heard all the accents in American English, ya’ll?).
America is a wonderful place, and I’m glad my girls will grow up as Americans. One of my proudest moments as an adoptive parent (so far) came when we landed in Los Angeles with Hannah December 24, 2009, and she became an American citizen, something many people around the world only dream of. She wore red, white, and blue on the Fourth of July, but she also wore a white silk chi-pao for her baptism. As with Maggie, we will do our best to incorporate her native culture into our lives, but we are unashamed to raise our girls as Americans.
My ancestors came from Scotland and Wales (mostly); mom’s arrived in the 1700’s or before; dad’s came in the mid-1800’s. I’m proud to be Scots-Irish and Welsh. Do I have aspects of those cultures in my life? Not much, except for the English (Americanized) language, and some plaid here and there. I’m proud of my roots in other cultures, but I’m also proud to be an American, and I hope my daughters can be too.
This is a sensitive subject, and I don’t want to step on people’s toes, but, as a social studies teacher, and an adoptive parent, I wanted to express my sincere beliefs here.
Ferberama! 